Learned Helplessness and other problems

I am getting old it would seem.. I have seen the same story over and over... and have been part of it a couple of times myself. It is a common story where two people meet, maybe fall in love, and have a deep relationship of some sort. However over time, one side doesn't like what is happening any more. Maybe they want to move, or they want to leave, or they don't like where things are changing. The other side will say something like "Oh no, please don't.. We can make this work. Just don't go." but things don't work out.

In a healthy relationship, the people will try to find help maybe from some outside counsel or they will just end things knowing that things have changed too much for them to stay around. However it seems too many times, people will keep trying to "make it work." Ask them why and it is because "we have worked so hard on this, how can we walk away from it?", "this time it will be different, really.", or some other line that sounds good but is really not going to happen. In the worst cases one person doesn't think they can leave.. that their or someone elses livelihood is in jeopardy or that it won't help because the other side will just find them anyway.

The not-so-funny things is how many times its both people who have this idea in their heads... each afraid of what being without the other might be like more than whatever continual pain they are with each other. Or neither will leave because they want to outlast the other person... it has become some sort of twisted game to see who blinks first.

If things have progressed to the later stages, the best thing to do is leave, find out how not to end up there again, and start over somewhere new. [The second step is critical because I have seen too many people go back to the same kind of relationships, I am guessing from some kind of conditioning or learned helplessness.] Don't try to come back, don't see if things will get better next time... just go. Sometimes, if the relationship really mattered, this is the only way to get the other side to change. And if it wasn't, then better to get on with your life than stay unhappy.

What this has to do with myself? I ruined my first Real relationship by not getting help for my depression. I learned that I really needed to change by having that person leave. They have lived a happy life since then, and after I got help.. so did I.

What this has to do with the Fedora Community is up to the reader.


Unknown said...

Wait... are you dumping me?

Stephen Smoogen said...

Nah, I would prefer that we find outside counsel to try and make it work first. And if we find we can't work it out, well you get visiting rights to the fish in the aquarium... or some other split of them.

Its all good if we know we can walk away.